The second part of this discussion on interative skills focuses on the need to be a good facilitator and this can only be met by having well developed questioning skills. People's favourite subject is often themselves so asking lots of questions and then taking the time to listen not only develops rapport but you usually end up learning something (amazing isn't it?).
Let's explore this a little further:
4. Intelligent Questioning Skills
Despite having called this section intelligent questioning skills it is just as appropriate to call them facilitating skills.
By allowing the other person to share at a level that is comfortable to them we minimise the risk of offending them and allow them to set the pace. However, we are still able to steer the conversation through the techniques and questions that we employ. This is true facilitation and this has the ability to connect that person with you in a very meaningful way.
Facilitating meaningful interaction is as much a matter of how you ask as what you ask. To this end, let’s investigate three (3) types or styles of questions that we can employ to maximise our opportunity for connecting with another person(s).
4.1 Bridge Builders - these types of questions enable you to gather some background information. They are particularly well suited at getting a conversation up and running. If you have never before met the person you are speaking with then these types of questions are certainly the most appropriate to begin with.
The best formula for bridge building questions is R.E.A.P. which stands for:
R = Relationships - this includes partners (don’t wade in with wife or husband as there are many de-facto and “significant other” relationships in today’s society), children and other important people in that person’s life.
E = Employment - what do they do for a job (ask sensitively as they may be unemployed). Remember that it is important to also ask what they have done in the past as previous occupations often set the scene for a person’s current role.
A = Amusement - What do they do for fun? This includes sports, hobbies and any other interests that occupy their non-work time. This can tell you a lot about the way in which a person prioritises their life – do they live to work or do they work to live? Does the person lead a balanced life?
P = Passion - If you were trying to find out about a prospective client or customer you could easily replace passion with money but for our purposes we should seek to determine what it is that motivates a person – what are they passionate about? What takes precedence in their lives? You will often find out what the person’s “god” is by looking at what drives them. This will be an important piece of information for future discussions.
Bridge builders will enable you to find out a lot about a person in a relatively short period of time. Make sure that you are listening and as soon as your time with that person is finished find a quiet spot to jot down some important points (names, dates, hobbies etc.) that you can specifically refer to next time you meet (this will have a very positive impact). Do not take notes while you are in that person’s presence – it is not a job interview or interrogation!
Try to remember that open ended questions, that is, questions that do not prompt merely a “yes” or “no” response are always the most effective.
4.2 Picture Painters -these types of questions are best used when you have had some time to familiarise yourself with the person you are talking to as they can generate unpredictable responses if not handled well. Essentially, picture painter questions work on the basis of getting the person to think about their situation or circumstances more closely. Questions such as, “what do you mean?” or “how did that make you feel?” are excellent picture painters as they elicit a very real response.
People think in terms of pictures so you need to ask questions that will enable mental images to be readily created. This is why I tend to use the term picture painters for these types of questions. Picture language is very powerful and as such you should be confident of your ability to wisely steer and facilitate a conversation before you start using picture painters on a regular basis.
Picture painter type questions may generate some emotion in the other person so be sensitive to their situation and don’t bombard them with additional questions whilst they are working through the current one. If you hit a particularly raw spot it may be best to move to the next type of question to stabilise the situation (if necessary).
4.3 Attitude Adjusters - these types of questions can be real life savers for a number of reasons. Firstly, if you have opened up a raw spot during the conversation these types of questions can really help settle things down (give you time to re-evaluate your approach if required). Secondly, they are a great type of question to ask if the conversation is really “dying” as they prompt the other person for their opinion in a non-threatening way. Thirdly, if you are a little unsure about where to steer the conversation next then throwing in an attitudes adjuster can often give you some additional insight.
The attitude adjuster type question is fundamentally asking the other person for their opinion in a non-threatening way. I sometimes call these questions altitude adjusters as they can bring a conversation down or take it up in tempo depending on where it needs to go.
Remember, it is vitally important when using attitude adjuster questions to listen very closely as people are sharing their thoughts and opinions. You must STOP talking and give them your full attention – look at them when they are talking to you.
4.4 Some Key Points
We need to keep in mind that our aim is not information gathering but rather relationship building. Ultimately, the best techniques will fail if there is not a genuine desire to connect with the other person.
We must never lose sight of the fact that relationship building takes time and it requires an honest and transparent approach. Any falsehood (being fake) and duplicity will eventually be detected and could result in irreparable damage to the relationship. It is a large responsibility.
But we mustn’t rush to that end at such a rate that we scare people away or offside them in the process (even if through sheer enthusiasm). We need to be sensitive to people’s felt needs.
What is it that people want?
* Security - home, family, money, good job etc.
* Good health - alternative medicine, exercise, supplementation etc.
* More time - save time, maximise time (i.e. efficient use of time) etc.
* Recognition - sense of self worth, self esteem, acknowledgement etc.
* Fun - enjoyment, fellowship, relationship etc.
We need to be mindful of connecting with people in the areas of their felt needs first because they are the things that occupy their lives.
Let's explore this a little further:
4. Intelligent Questioning Skills
Despite having called this section intelligent questioning skills it is just as appropriate to call them facilitating skills.
By allowing the other person to share at a level that is comfortable to them we minimise the risk of offending them and allow them to set the pace. However, we are still able to steer the conversation through the techniques and questions that we employ. This is true facilitation and this has the ability to connect that person with you in a very meaningful way.
Facilitating meaningful interaction is as much a matter of how you ask as what you ask. To this end, let’s investigate three (3) types or styles of questions that we can employ to maximise our opportunity for connecting with another person(s).
4.1 Bridge Builders - these types of questions enable you to gather some background information. They are particularly well suited at getting a conversation up and running. If you have never before met the person you are speaking with then these types of questions are certainly the most appropriate to begin with.
The best formula for bridge building questions is R.E.A.P. which stands for:
R = Relationships - this includes partners (don’t wade in with wife or husband as there are many de-facto and “significant other” relationships in today’s society), children and other important people in that person’s life.
E = Employment - what do they do for a job (ask sensitively as they may be unemployed). Remember that it is important to also ask what they have done in the past as previous occupations often set the scene for a person’s current role.
A = Amusement - What do they do for fun? This includes sports, hobbies and any other interests that occupy their non-work time. This can tell you a lot about the way in which a person prioritises their life – do they live to work or do they work to live? Does the person lead a balanced life?
P = Passion - If you were trying to find out about a prospective client or customer you could easily replace passion with money but for our purposes we should seek to determine what it is that motivates a person – what are they passionate about? What takes precedence in their lives? You will often find out what the person’s “god” is by looking at what drives them. This will be an important piece of information for future discussions.
Bridge builders will enable you to find out a lot about a person in a relatively short period of time. Make sure that you are listening and as soon as your time with that person is finished find a quiet spot to jot down some important points (names, dates, hobbies etc.) that you can specifically refer to next time you meet (this will have a very positive impact). Do not take notes while you are in that person’s presence – it is not a job interview or interrogation!
Try to remember that open ended questions, that is, questions that do not prompt merely a “yes” or “no” response are always the most effective.
4.2 Picture Painters -these types of questions are best used when you have had some time to familiarise yourself with the person you are talking to as they can generate unpredictable responses if not handled well. Essentially, picture painter questions work on the basis of getting the person to think about their situation or circumstances more closely. Questions such as, “what do you mean?” or “how did that make you feel?” are excellent picture painters as they elicit a very real response.
People think in terms of pictures so you need to ask questions that will enable mental images to be readily created. This is why I tend to use the term picture painters for these types of questions. Picture language is very powerful and as such you should be confident of your ability to wisely steer and facilitate a conversation before you start using picture painters on a regular basis.
Picture painter type questions may generate some emotion in the other person so be sensitive to their situation and don’t bombard them with additional questions whilst they are working through the current one. If you hit a particularly raw spot it may be best to move to the next type of question to stabilise the situation (if necessary).
4.3 Attitude Adjusters - these types of questions can be real life savers for a number of reasons. Firstly, if you have opened up a raw spot during the conversation these types of questions can really help settle things down (give you time to re-evaluate your approach if required). Secondly, they are a great type of question to ask if the conversation is really “dying” as they prompt the other person for their opinion in a non-threatening way. Thirdly, if you are a little unsure about where to steer the conversation next then throwing in an attitudes adjuster can often give you some additional insight.
The attitude adjuster type question is fundamentally asking the other person for their opinion in a non-threatening way. I sometimes call these questions altitude adjusters as they can bring a conversation down or take it up in tempo depending on where it needs to go.
Remember, it is vitally important when using attitude adjuster questions to listen very closely as people are sharing their thoughts and opinions. You must STOP talking and give them your full attention – look at them when they are talking to you.
4.4 Some Key Points
We need to keep in mind that our aim is not information gathering but rather relationship building. Ultimately, the best techniques will fail if there is not a genuine desire to connect with the other person.
We must never lose sight of the fact that relationship building takes time and it requires an honest and transparent approach. Any falsehood (being fake) and duplicity will eventually be detected and could result in irreparable damage to the relationship. It is a large responsibility.
But we mustn’t rush to that end at such a rate that we scare people away or offside them in the process (even if through sheer enthusiasm). We need to be sensitive to people’s felt needs.
What is it that people want?
* Security - home, family, money, good job etc.
* Good health - alternative medicine, exercise, supplementation etc.
* More time - save time, maximise time (i.e. efficient use of time) etc.
* Recognition - sense of self worth, self esteem, acknowledgement etc.
* Fun - enjoyment, fellowship, relationship etc.
We need to be mindful of connecting with people in the areas of their felt needs first because they are the things that occupy their lives.
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